... About myself-for others



I’m sitting at the table
writing this poem
I am not typing quickly
just as quick as I’m going.
I feel a small prick
my brain goes numb
divided consciousness
I cannot recognize
who I have become.
An ambulance came for me
dreadfully yellow
to lock me away
far from what I know.

We walk down the hallway
the neon just shines
I hear them talk about me
that to myself and others
mine is a dangerous mind.
They don’t ask anything
just carry me quietly
these are the people
who don’t even believe in me.
There are other mad ones
many more locked up here
I’ve lost my belt now
or they took it, I fear.

I stand with the nurses
in the main elevator
silently waiting
to be taken up further.
My head is pounding
even I get it
he broke out of me
my schizophrenic.
The record scratched?
I look up afraid
this is not me right here
it’s clear to me this way.
Nose bleeding
while the muscular nurse
turns his bored gaze to me
and sticks me with a needle
longer than a hearse.
I still see the landscape
dissolve under my feet
and in my mouth there’s a taste
of a bitterness I did not eat.

As I come back to me
I hazily look around and see
my new outfit, gee
when I put it on,
I’m unsure, actually.
It’s a bit uncomfortable
and fits too tightly
behind my back they’ve bound
both my arms nicely
I look around for pockets
but can’t find any
something hangs out though
my bare-naked booty!
Out there they are laughing
talking about me
they all think I’m crazy
while I silently grin
cause I know I’m not
the insane one, it’s them.

I’m over it now
the procedure is done
a consultation happened
with Chief Dr #1.
The verdict is out
they grabbed a screw
pushed it against
my forehead, you see?
the end of which
to a lobotomy
directly led into.
They threw me in a dark
scary catacomb
locked forever alone
in a catatonic zone
sitting in a wheelchair
but now that
I’m a free man
I’m a lock, I stand
trapped inside of me
my key long gone on the shelf
through an empty keyhole
I watch the world itself.

Translated by Esther Brownwood. 2023.11.21



Painter: Zeller Ildikó


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